Find a need and fill it, find a hurt and heal it.

Healing In Alaska

He would beat me and I would just sit there and cry for my mom, and my mom was not there, and I never knew the reason behind it. I just knew it was happening all the time and I would tell my mom, “Mom, he’s hurting me, he’s hurting me.” She came home and I have all these welts, and I was bleeding.  And then things got really ugly between those two, and then one day he was talking my mom into getting me adopted out. He was trying to convince her to get rid of me, and… now that I’m my age now, and I know that he molested me, I see why he was trying to get rid of me, because I think he knew I would tell my mom if I remembered, because I knew what he did to me was wrong. Now that I remember it, him showing me pornography, in my mom’s room, him showing me parts and teaching me parts. It makes me kind of sad now but

then it’s like, I would never even thought I’d be one of those kids who’d have to go to that, because I’m around a lot of people who’s been through that, and to know that I’m one of those kids that grew up like that and that’s why I acted the way I acted growing up – it really does hurt, you know? I understand why I’m so protective.


As I got older when I was 15, my mom ended up being murdered by my stepdad, and everything was a blur after that. I hate it that I had to see it happen, and it made me worse than what I was already growing up. He just came home furious, and I was like, “Hey, dad.” And he just ignored me, and I was just like, “Okay fine, whatever.” And I went to go wash the dishes and then I heard a pow and I was like what is that? And I ducked around, and I turned the water off, and I was like, maybe I’m just hearing stuff – then I heard it again, I was like, oh no that’s a gunshot, so I hit the corner of my kitchen and I was like looking around and then I see my mom shooting out of her room she’s screaming like, “He’s trying to kill me, he’s trying to me,” and I was just like stuck there like, to be in shock you just don’t move – your body’s just like frozen you just can’t reach out, you can’t do anything, and I was just standing there looking at her, and she was like, “He’s trying to kill me,” and he comes around the corner right behind her just blasting off, just going ham, and I, then I started yelling, I was like, “What are you doing?” And I’m cussing, and nothing’s working, and then I started, I finally… my body started to move and I started to go towards my mom and he shot at me, but he missed.


When he shot my mom he paralyzed her it knocked her and she went straight to the ground. He just kept firing on her, and I just tried to go and protect her. I was willing to risk my life – I was trying to protect her and he shot at me, he shot at me twice, and then I didn’t move anymore after that, and he just was going off going on, and then he stopped; something told me to look up, and when I looked up he was looking at me with the gun facing my forehead, like he was gonna shoot me point blank in my forehead. I was just standing there like, oh my God, I’m about to die,I’m about to die right now trying to protect my family. It all hit me and I sat on the couch. He’s yelling at my mom, and my mom is crying, just laying there crying and dying, and I would not leave because my mom was not dead, so I wasn’t gonna leave. I just stood there on the couch, and he just continued to yell, and then he stopped yelling and then he was like, “I’m sorry – I didn’t mean for it to happen this way,” and then he shot her again. She stopped crying, and he just blew his head off right there in the front door.


Then I was getting out of a relationship for seven years and I was giving the whole guy respect thing, because of how I grew up I just didn’t care. I was so mean and verbally abusive to my men that I didn’t care if they were gone, but this one I really tried. I tried for seven years, and then he just up and left me for an ex, and that was the end of it. I was just torn. I was like, Oh that’s it, forget it, I’m done. I tried to kill myself because I just felt like at that point I just felt like nobody cared. There was just no point of trying to work things out or trying to change, because changing clearly didn’t work out for me, and I almost died. I od’d on nine medications, I was drinking, I was doing everything possible. I don’t even know, I mean, I know how I got, I know how I made it, I know through the grace of God, but it was just at that point in time, I was so mad that he’s like, he saved me.


I understood my purpose a little bit after that following year – I found out I was pregnant. I was just like, Wow I’m pregnant, great. Just what I needed, have a child when I’m not doing anything right now with my life. Nothing. How am I gonna support a child when I have nothing. I called here at the Dream Center and they were like, Come on in, and I was like okay – so that’s how I ended up in Sophia’s house. At first I didn’t like it, I was like, this isn’t for me, like, I just felt like this was just another place that also be at temporary, and that was it, it wasn’t gonna do me any justice, so I stayed, and little did I know Sophia’s house had all these advantages, like I had no idea they help you with parenting, I had no idea that they help you with diapers, clothes, wipes, anything your baby needed, they had it, and I didn’t know that they can help me get spiritually close to God either, because I was moving, I was doing it moving. I was separating myself from God not even realizing it, and being in the program with Sophia’s house, I ended up really getting closer, and I started getting better. I started changing my ways.


In all reality one of the girls here, she really helped me understand my purpose of having a son. It was to show me that I could teach my son how not to be that man I grew up around, how not to be that abusive man that I was raised up, watching with my parent, with my mother, and it really hit me, and it meant so much more to me. Now my son is my pride and joy, and he means the world to me, and he helps me get better every day, and I have been blessed for my son to have everything, like, there’s nothing that my son does not have, and I can’t thank Sophia’s house enough, because they were there, spiritually, they’re like family, like, that is my family.


My goals were to get a job, find a place for me and my son to live before I left this program, and take care of important things, like, my background.  I wanted to look into my schooling because I wanna do physical therapy for kids, which is kind of great cuz my job – I work in the medical field, so I can learn some pointers, you know? I wanted to make sure my son was in daycare for when I started working, he’s going to daycare tomorrow. I got my home, I have my place, everything pretty much fell into place because I kept my prayer team up. Not only that, I feel like I have prayer warriors around me. I have people praying for me and my son all the time, even if I didn’t know about it, I know somebody was doing it, I could feel it, and I feel like the closer my relationship with God, the better my goals continue.

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